


Stronger Together

by Starlight1395



Series: Light in the Dark [3]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Depression, Graphic Description, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Jaehwan works through his depression with the help of his members, Lots of tears, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, lots of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 13:19:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14497830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Three years is a long time to hide the small fact that you're breaking down daily.Lee Jaehwan didn't tell anyone about his depression, or the voices in his head, or the cuts on his leg. He was okay with handling it himself and praying no one ever found out. When the two youngest members see the side of Jaehwan that he had been so desperately trying to hide, he knew things would never go back to normal.He never thought he wound find himself holding a gun to his head, either, but sometimes life takes you by surprise.





	Stronger Together

Jaehwan felt his eyes stinging. He swallowed thickly to try and stave off the burn but it was no use. He bit his lip hard, hoping the pain would distract him from the urge to sob with no luck. He bit his knuckle and let the sob fall from his lips as silently as possible. He hoped the sound of the shower was enough to drown out his weakness, but he was never that lucky.

“Hyung? Are you alright?” Sanhyuk knocked on the door. Jaehwan wanted to scream at the boy to leave him alone – to let him sob in peace – but he couldn’t do that. Breaking and yelling at the maknae would just destroy the carefully built mask he had created.

“Of course Hyukkie,” he called back as lightly as possible. “Got a little soap in my eye.”

“Be more careful next time!” Hyuk laughed and Jaehwan felt the tears running down his face renew.

Nothing particularly bad happened that day. Sure, they were out of milk when he tried to make tea but that was fine. He liked it without milk just as much as he did with. Sure, he dropped his lunch when he tried to carry it from the stove to the table, but that was fine. People made mistakes. Sure, the boiling noodles landed on his leg, causing him to cry out in pain, but that was also fine. Jaehwan was used to pain. Sure, Wonshik had made a particularly sharp joke about how willing Jaehwan was to be cute – how it was embarrassing that he was so comfortable doing it. That was fine. Jaehwan was used to jokes that hit a little too close to home. Sure, Hakyeon tried to playfully smack him, but ended up hitting the cuts on his leg that were still healing. That… wasn’t as fine. Jaehwan had cried out, snapping at Hakyeon to be less rough. He was met with five shocked expression, and he quickly excused himself.

Nothing particularly bad happened that day, so why was Jaehwan feeling so… desolate?

He cried until there were no tears left, and only then did he turn off the shower and wrap a towel around his waist. He, being the scatterbrained person he was, forgot to bring a change of clothes into the bathroom with him. No one had really questioned why he started changing in the bathroom after his showers past a quick quip about how they’ve all seen each other naked before, but that was before Jaehwan started feeling worthless and pathetic and took those feelings out on himself. Now, he took extra lengths to stay away.

“Hey, Hyukkie said he thought he heard you crying in the shower?” Hakyeon sat on the edge of Jaehwan’s bed a little while after the vocalist had changed. Jaehwan was thankful his hyung came when he did. Twenty seconds earlier and his little secret would have been out after almost three years.

“I got soap in my eye,” The lie slipped so easily from his lips. The old Jaehwan never would have lied, especially not to his hyung. Now, it seemed that all he did was lie. “It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Jaehwan… I’m worried about you.” Hakyeon watched as the younger idol froze. He could see Jaehwan’s mind working at the speed of light to think of something to say, and that in itself was proof enough that something wasn’t right.

“There’s nothing to worry about N hyung.” He said carefully, placing his signature lopsided smile on his face. Hakyeon didn’t buy it.

“I’m not sure what’s going on, but there’s something going on here,” Hakyeon narrowed his eyes a little and Jaehwan’s breath caught in his throat. “Well, you seem tired. I’ll let you get to sleep. Just… remember that we love you Jaehwannie. We’re not VIXX without you… remember how important you are to our family, okay?”

“Goodnight hyung.” Jaehwan choked out, waiting for Hakyeon to leave before pulling out a small notebook from under his mattress. What had started as a journal had turned into a log of everything that hurt him – a reminder of why he deserved it. He quickly jotted down what Wonshik had said, as well as what Hakyeon said just then.

Hakyeon hadn’t meant to hurt Jaehwan. In fact, the leader had been trying to give the younger a pep talk. Little did he know, he managed to hit on one of Jaehwan’s biggest insecurities.

‘They don’t really need me,’ Jaehwan thought to himself as he curled into the warmth of his bed. Hot tears made their way down his face for the second time that night. ‘All I do is bring everyone down. Wonshik was right… I am fake… everything I do is fake and people are going to notice soon. They’re going to notice and hate me… I’ll deserve it though. I deserve it for being so worthless all the time. Who do I think I am, relying on being cute to earn my place here? It’s pathetic.’

Jaehwan sobbed into his pillow before drifting off to these thoughts once again.

* * *

  
“Hyung, are you alright? You look kinda sick.” Hongbin said, watching as Jaehwan stared at himself in the mirror. Because they were inbetween comebacks, the members didn’t have a whole lot of reasons to go to the practice room other than to mess around. Hongbin and Hyuk wanted to learn the newest Twice dance, and they knew Jaehwan loved doing girl group dances, even if it was just behind closed doors. They noticed how their hyung seemed lethargic, almost flinching away from them when they got too close.

They chalked it up to exhaustion but something in the back of their heads nagged that it was something more.

“I’m fine Binnie,” He said, slowly dragging his eyes away from his reflection to face his band mate. “I just… don’t feel super confident with this choreography for some reason.”

“Really? You love doing cute things like this though,” Hongbin tilted his head to the side in confusion. Why did Jaehwan look like he suddenly have a headache? “You always play it up and everyone loves it.”

“Do they?” He asked, almost silently. His eyes unfocused on the floor and the two younger members instantly knew something was wrong.

“Hyung, are you sure everything is alright?” Sanhyuk asked carefully, taking a small step towards Jaehwan, who didn’t respond. Hyuk tried again, placing a gentle hand on Jaehwan’s arm. “Hyung?”

Jaehwan flinched away so violently that he ended up hitting Hyuk. It wasn’t a painful smack, but it was shocking. It wasn’t unusual for the members to smack each other around a little, but those smacks were done playfully. This was too sudden.

“S-Sanhyukkie…” Jaehwan stammered when he realized he had hit the youngest. His blood ran cold and he couldn’t stop the tremors that shook his body.

“Hyung?” Hyuk sounded panicked. Jaehwan was breathing quickly, his eyes quickly glazing over. Before either of the younger boys could react, Jaehwan brought his hands to his head and started pulling painfully on his hair as tears raced down his face.

“I’m sorry,” He sobbed, falling to his knees. Hyuk and Hongbin tried to pry his hands away from his head but his grip was too tight. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hyung please, there’s nothing to apologize for,” Hongbin was panicking as well. He knew how to help Sanhyuk when the youngest had a panic attack, but he had never seen Jaehwan break down. Out of all his hyung, Jaehwan was the one who was the happiest. He was the one Bin could look to for a pep talk and a laugh. Seeing the usually bright boy turn into a sobbing mess scared Hongbin, and it seemed like there was nothing he could do. “Jaehwan hyung? Can you hear me?”

“Hyung, move for a second?” Hyuk said. Hongbin stepped back, his hands shaking. As soon as there was an opening, Sanhyuk reached forward and slapped Jaehwan roughly across the face. Hongbin blanched at the maknae, but when he noticed Jaehwan had stopped sobbing he realized what the youngest had done. He shocked Jaehwan out of his panic attack.

“Jaehwan hyung, don’t bother lying to us, okay?” Hyuk said seriously as he sat on the ground next to the older boy. “Something’s wrong. Am I right?”

“Me…” He mumbled, staring blankly at the worn wooden floor. Hongbin sat on his other side, wrapping an arm around his hyung’s shoulders.

“What do you mean?” He asked, gently rubbing Jaehwan’s arm.

“I’m what’s wrong.” He said sadly, silent tears washing away the tracks that had already started to dry.

“How are you wrong hyung?” Hyuk shot back. “You’re amazing.”

“I’m fake,” Jaehwan sounded so… dead. Hyuk and Hongbin had never been so afraid before. “I’m nothing but a no good faker. I never deserved my p-place with you guys. You’d be so much- so much better off without… without me.”

“That’s not true!” Hyuk hadn’t meant to let his voice rise. When Jaehwan flinched back, he scolded himself and brought his volume back down. “Hyung, you’re one of the realest people I’ve ever met.” Jaehwan barked out a cynical laugh and shook his head.

“God I wish that were true,” he said sadly, running a hand through his hair. His scalp was sore from pulling, so the soft movement felt nice. “Everything I do… it’s all fake. Wonshik was right… I am a fraud…”

“What? He was… he was just messing around. None of us think you’re fake.” Hongbin’s stomach dropped when he heard what Jaehwan was feeling. They were all used to little jabs here and there. It was all in good fun, and if something went too far, they made sure to talk about it with the others to let them know how they felt.

Hongbin realized Jaehwan never spoke up when the jokes got a little too real.

“How long have you been holding this in?” Hyuk asked, realizing the same thing as Hongbin. Jaehwan took a shaky breath as he counted backwards.

“Three years? Give or take some… I remember it started around winter… so it would be a little more than three years at this point.” He said quietly, almost as if he was afraid of being scolded. Hongbin felt his heart break at how small his hyung sounded.

“Why didn’t you tell any of us?” Sanhyuk sounded as heartbroken as Hongbin felt. Jaehwan chuckled once, but it was more of an exhale than a laugh.

“I… I didn’t want to be a bother,” Jaehwan’s voice had officially lost all its strength. “I’m the cute, happy one. I’m not allowed to be depressed. I have to be the mood maker for everyone else.”

“That’s not how this works,” Hyuk said firmly. “Just because you tend to be happy doesn’t mean you have to be all the time. You’re allowed to be sad and want help. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with opening up.”

“Please don’t tell the others,” Jaehwan sounded close to sobbing again. “Please… they’ll hate me if they find out I’ve been lying for so long.”

“We could never hate you-” Hyuk instantly jumped in, not expecting Hongbin to cut him off.

“Alright hyung, we won’t for now – on the condition that you come to either me or Hyukkie when you’re feeling this way again. Okay?” Jaehwan hesitated, the battle in his mind clear as day to the other two.

“Alright…” He finally agreed. “But… I’m sorry in advance if it takes time. I don’t exactly know how to be open about this… I haven’t told anyone since it started.”

“No one?” Hongbin wanted to cry. His hyung had been alone for so long and none of them noticed? He felt like a burden to them for that long?

“Mental illness isn’t exactly something you shout from the rooftops,” He said with a poor excuse of a joking tone. “Especially not here.”

No one said anything to that. They all knew the stigma about mental illness, even in more lax countries. Hongbin and Sanhyuk just held Jaehwan as he cried, letting their hyung express his emotions for the first time in years.

* * *

  
Jaehwan hovered on the edges of the kitchen, watching Hakyeon and Sanhyuk work on dinner. Hongbin was away to work on a drama and Wonshik and Taekwoon had gone to the studio to play with some ideas for a new song. The voices in his head had been getting worse, and just as he was about to quiet him the only way he knew, Jaehwan remembered the promise he made to the two youngest. Normally he wouldn’t bother them while they were doing something, but the urge to hurt himself was turning from an itch to a scream that he couldn’t ignore anymore.

“Hyukkie, can I talk to you for a second?” He hoped his voice didn’t sound as weak at it felt. Sanhyuk instantly put down his knife and followed Jaehwan to his room. When the door close behind him, Jaehwan let the dam break.

“Did something happen hyung?” Hyuk asked as he gathered the older idol into his arms. He never noticed just how small Jaehwan was in comparison to the rest of the members. Even Hakyeon, who was skinnier, seemed to fill the space more. Jaehwan just curled in on himself, making himself even smaller in Sanhyuk’s arms.

“I don’t know,” He whimpered, trying to bite back a sob. “I’m just… everything is screaming at me and I want to make it stop but it won’t stop. Hyukkie it won’t stop… p-please make it sto-o-op.” he sobbed again, his tears butchering his words.

“You’re alright hyung,” Sanhyuk did what he could to comfort the boy in his arms. “You’re going to be okay. I’m here. You’re not alone anymore. We love you so much.”

Jaehwan sobbed louder as Hyuk continued complimenting him. Hyuk hadn’t even realized Jaehwan had fallen asleep in his arms until he stopped talking and he couldn’t hear the sobs anymore. He looked down at Jaehwan and felt his heart stop.

The older idol’s shorts had ridden up some, exposing a mix of white and pink lines in the tanned skin. Sanhyuk traced some of the lines with a shaking finger, knowing exactly what they were. He suddenly knew what Jaehwan had meant when he said ‘make it stop’ and he thought he was going to be sick.

Part of Hyuk knew he should tell Hongbin – this was too much for him to keep secret. Jaehwan was hurting himself, relying on self-inflicted pain as a way to cope rather than going to his members. At the same time, Hyuk knew Jaehwan would feel so betrayed if he said anything. Betrayed to the point that he would never come to the youngest again. The fact that his hyung was trusting him with what he was in itself was a miracle. Sanhyuk didn’t want to break what little trust Jaehwan was showing him. Sighing, he tucked Jaehwan into his bed and went to finish dinner.

* * *

  
Weeks passed, and Jaehwan seemed to be getting better. Sanhyuk never said anything about the cuts on his leg, but he desperately tried to hint at it, hoping Hongbin would get the message but the second youngest never seemed to understand. Jaehwan came to them often, sometimes crying and other times just sitting with a blank expression, letting the two hug him and tell him everything was going to be alright.

When the visits became less frequent and the smiles more, Sanhyuk thought his hyung was starting to feel better. He had done some reading on depression, and learned that in a lot of cases it’ll get really bad for a while then get a little better for a bit before plummeting again, like a sick game of cat and mouse with a person’s mental state.

They were in the practice room again, this time to see the preliminary choreography for their new comeback. Jaehwan watched the choreographer with attentive eyes, a smile playing on his lips. When it was their turn, things didn’t go as smoothly as it looked like it should. The boys constantly bumped into each other, and for some reason there was one move no one other than Hakyeon could hit properly.

After two hours of practicing, Jaehwan suddenly stopped. The music kept playing, but everyone had frozen, staring at their friend with various degrees of concern and curiosity. Jaehwan looked at the floor, his bangs covering his eyes. It wasn’t until drops splattered on the floor that anyone realized the normally puppy-like member was crying in the middle of the practice room. Other than Sanhyuk and Hongbin, no one had seen Jaehwan cry in years.

“I can’t do this.” He said suddenly and bolted from the room, the door slamming shut behind him. Hyuk and Hongbin instantly tried to follow him, but were stopped by Taekwoon. The second oldest just shook his head.

“We can’t let him be alone like this.” Hyuk said, sounding scared.

“He’s…” Hongbin felt as scared as Hyuk sounded. Taekwoon stared at the two before nodding a little to himself.

“I’ll go after him,” He said softly. When he saw the fear on the maknae’s faces, his own softened. “Don’t worry. Jaehwan is going to be okay.”

Taekwoon followed after the other vocalist, his mind buzzing with what might have gone wrong. He hadn’t seen Jaehwan cry in… over three years. He shook his head, telling himself to focus on finding the other idol. He stood still, listening carefully. The faint sound of sobbing came from one of the practice rooms and his feet began moving on their own.

The bright green doors used to give Taekwoon headaches, but he’s learned to find comfort in the obnoxiously colored office space. In a weird way, it fit their group well. Now, the brightness made his stomach churn even more. He stopped in front of the door where the sobbing was the loudest. Peeking in, he saw a figure huddled in the far corner, trying to make himself as small as possible in the already small room.

He didn’t knock. Instead, he carefully opened the door so as not to startle Jaehwan and let himself in. The sobbing vocalist didn’t seem to notice him until he sat down next to him. Jaehwan flinched and tried to scramble away when he saw who it was, but when he saw Taekwoon wasn’t making a move to force him to stay, he relaxed. He wasn’t a prisoner in this situation. That was what Taekwoon hoped to get across.

“Want to sit for a little bit?” Taekwoon asked lightly, searching Jaehwan’s tearstained face for a hint of the smiling boy he had come to love after so many years. Jaehwan hesitated before he sat back up in his curled position, about two feet from where Taekwoon was sitting. If he really wanted to, Taekwoon could easily reach out and grab Jaehwan, but he knew that would be a bad idea, especially in this situation.

The two sat in almost silence, the only sound the faint hiccupping sobs from Jaehwan, who buried his face in his knees to muffle the sound. When Jaehwan calmed down, he shuffled closer to Taekwoon, resting his head on the older idol’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry hyung,” He said, his normally smooth voice rough and scratchy. “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”

“How long have you been hiding this?” Taekwoon asked, knowing Jaehwan was going to try to lie.

“I don’t know what you mean,” He tried to sound convincing. “I guess I just got overwhelmed…”

“Sanhyuk and Hongbin looked like they were about to cry when you ran out,” He noted, watching Jaehwan’s face cloud over with guilt. “They know something we don’t.”

It wasn’t a question, and Jaehwan didn’t answer. They sat in silence again, this time a little closer together. Taekwoon sighed silently and pulled Jaehwan into a hug. The younger vocalist instantly wrapped his arms around his chest and let his head fall onto Taekwoon’s chest.

“Please don’t tell the others?” Jaehwan asked, already sounding resigned.

“I have to,” Taekwoon would never jeopardize the safety of one of his members. They were too important to him. “We just want you to be okay.”

“I’m fine… I’m handling it.” His words were muffled from the fabric of Taekwoon’s shirt but they still seemed to bounce off the cramped walls.

“Why are you pushing us away?”

“Because I’m afraid.” His voice was barely a whisper, soft enough to challenge Taekwoon’s own way of speaking.

“You don’t have to be afraid anymore,” He pulled Jaehwan into a tighter embrace. “You have us. We’d never let you drown.”

“What if I already have?”

“Then we’ll save you.”

“What if I don’t want to be saved?”

Taekwoon didn’t have an answer to that. He buried his face in Jaehwan’s hair and let the younger boy tremble in his arms. The second oldest had never felt so vulnerable – so helpless – and he was scared.

* * *

  
Jaehwan was trying his hardest to be quiet. After Taekwoon had followed him, the other members were always on edge around him. He could tell they weren’t trying to, but they were treating him like he was made of glass and it was killing him. Being treated normally was the only thing that he could count on, and now that was gone. Hakyeon kept asking if he wanted to talk, or shower first, or pick what they ate for dinner every single night. Taekwoon didn’t say much, but Jaehwan could feel the older vocalist’s eyes glued to him every second they were in the same room together. Wonshik would walk on eggshells around him, stuttering and backtracking anytime he started to say something jokingly or the slightest bit harsh. At least Sanhyuk and Hongbin treated him the same, or as same as they have been – constantly sharing side looks and panicking if he so much as frowned.

He hated it.

He made another line on his leg, hissing as the hot water immediately washed away the crimson. He knew it was wrong, but he had been doing it for so long that it was almost too easy to take his frustrations and fears out on himself. He hated that he relied on the adrenaline and the sight of the lines on his skin to feel better, but that was the hole he managed to trap himself in. There were ways of stopping it, he knew. He had tried for a while to stop. He tried drawing on himself with a red marker, he tried holding ice to his skin. He tried using music and dancing and singing as an outlet but it never really scratched the itch the way it needed. Only one thing really helped.

He had been clean for almost two months, he realized with a sinking feeling in his chest. He hadn’t hurt himself since Hyuk and Hongbin found out. Two months is one of the longest stretches he had ever gone, and there he was – ruining it.

Jaehwan couldn’t cry anymore. He always seemed to be on the verge of tears, but when he was ripping his skin apart and watching his blood flow down the drain he couldn’t find a single tear to shed. He was drained.

He turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, not caring if the blood mixed with the water as it ran down his leg onto the tiles. He grabbed a red washcloth – something it took a year of cutting to actually invest in – and wiped his thigh carefully. Some of the smaller cuts had already stopped bleeding, but the deeper ones were just shy of gushing still. He didn’t think he needed stitches, but it wouldn’t be the first time he went a little too deep and let nature take care of it. He carefully used the medical tape and gauze pads from the cabinet to create a bandage and covered his wounds. The gauze instantly turned red, and Jaehwan felt a slight tinge in his chest. Something wasn’t right.

Jaehwan changed into his sleep clothes and left the bathroom, not bothering to check that he cleaned everything up. He was too tired.

He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Hakyeon watched Jaehwan stumble out of the bathroom with worry. He knew the vocalist wasn’t being completely honest and he felt that, as the leader, he was failing the younger idol for not being able to help. With a heavy heart he went to turn the light off on the bathroom when he stopped dead. He felt sick.

On the sink was a small razorblade, the silver completely coated in drying blood. His eyes slowly turned to the shower, where more crimson was splattered against the sides and around the drain. Hakyeon’s knees gave out when he realized just how far gone Jaehwan was.

“S-someone…” His voice cracked painfully. He heard footsteps and gasps. “Someone check on Jaehwan. NOW.” He finally found his voice and the footsteps ran towards the rooms. Warm hands helped him stand and Hakyeon buried his face into Taekwoon’s neck.

“He’s going to be okay.” Taekwoon said in that voice that always made Hakyeon’s heart beat calm and his anxiety lessen.

“There’s so much red…” Hakyeon was shaking, only kept upright by the other man. “What if he went too far? What if we lost him?” He started sobbing, just the thought of losing Jaehwan enough to send him into full panic mode. Taekwoon just held him closer and let him cry.

Sanhyuk and Wonshik raced to Jaehwan’s room, every possible scenario playing out in their heads in the short distance to the door. Hyuk got there first and threw the door open with enough force to cause the knob on the other side to slam into the wall and making a hole in the drywall.

Both boys ran to the only occupied bed, even more scared when they realized Jaehwan hadn’t reacted to the loud slam. They could hear Hakyeon sobbing in the hallway and their desperation doubled.

“Come on hyung,” Hyuk said through tears. “Wake up.” He shook Jaehwan’s shoulders violently. Jaehwan didn’t wake up, his head just lolling to the side as his eyes remained closed.

“Jaehwan, you gotta stay with us!” Wonshik growled as he took a turn shaking the vocalist. They were screaming at that point – anything to wake Jaehwan up.  
After what seemed like an eternity, Jaehwan’s eyes fluttered open. He looked at the two through half lidded eyes, his nose scrunching up.

“Why’re you crying?” He slurred softly, causing them to sob even harder.

“I thought you weren’t going to wake up!” Sanhyuk threw himself at Jaehwan and sobbed into his chest. No one had seen the maknae break down like that, not when they left him at the gas station. Not when they won their first award. Not even when his grandmother passed away. Sanhyuk was a sobbing mess in Jaehwan’s arms and the vocalist still didn’t quite understand what was going on. Wonshik slipped out of the bedroom to find Hakyeon and Taekwoon on the couch, staring at the blank television.

“He’s awake but confused,” He said, his voice deep and rough. “Sanhyuk is crying on him now. I don’t think he understands what’s going on yet.

“Oh thank god…” Hakyeon’s tears came fresh, this time in relief. Jaehwan was alive, and they weren’t going to let him slip through their fingers again.

“What’s going on?” Jaehwan’s voice caught them all by surprise. He was standing by the kitchen, Hyuk basically hanging off his arm. His face was pale, but other than that he just looked confused and tired.

“How bad is it?” Hakyeon asked, standing and rushing over to Jaehwan, who just blinked slowly at him.

“What?” He asked, scrunching his nose a little.

“The… the cuts,” Hakyeon stumbled over his words. He flinched when he saw how scared Jaehwan looked all of a sudden. The vocalist tried to back away, only to bump into Hyuk’s chest. Everyone could see his eyes darting around like a trapped animal. He tried to run, but Sanhyuk wrapped his arms around the older idol, effectively pinning his arms to his sides. “Jaehwan please, I just want to make sure they’re taken care of. There was… so much blood in the b-bathroom. I just…”

“I’m fine hyung,” He said, his voice devoid of all emotion. That in itself was scary, hearing Jaehwan sound so dead. He was known for being expressive and wearing his heart on his sleeve, but this was someone completely new. “I took care of them.”

“I still want to check, please? I need to see for myself.” Hakyeon put on his leader voice and no matter how badly Jaehwan wanted to argue, he suddenly found himself too tired to fight. He let Sanhyuk lead him over to the couch and shimmied out of his sleep pants. The bandaging had already soaked up enough blood that it was starting to bleed through onto the fabric of his sweats. Wonshik had to look away, his dinner rising in the back of his throat. He was never squeamish before, but seeing just how much red was covering his hyung’s leg… even the most stoic man would break.

Hakyeon carefully peeled the bandaging away, quietly apologizing when Jaehwan hissed in pain. As soon as the gauze was removed, the wounds began openly bleeding again, much to everyone’s horror. Everyone but Jaehwan, who was watching the crimson drip down his leg like he was watching paint dry.

Taekwoon brought over paper towels and Sanhyuk found the gauze and medical tape in the bathroom. Hakyeon worked in silence as he methodically wiped away the beading blood, smeared a healthy amount of cream on them and covered the cuts one by one with the gauze and tape. When he was done, his hands were stained red and his chest burned.

“I’m sorry hyung.” Jaehwan broke the silence first. Everyone jumped at his voice.

“Why are you apologizing?” Hakyeon asked, his voice tight.

“For being so broken,” A tear worked its way down Jaehwan’s face for the first time since coming from his room. “For making you worry. For not being strong enough to hide this…”

“How long have you been…?”

“Three years.”

“That long?” Hakyeon broke, tears rushing down his tanned cheeks. The tears were instantly washed away by more as the leader sobbed into his hand.

“I’m sorry.” Jaehwan hugged Hakyeon, who buried his face in the vocalist’s shoulder.

“You could have come to us… you didn’t have to go through this alone you idiot.” Hakyeon’s insults had no fire behind them. Jaehwan just tightened his hold on the elder.

“I’m sorry.” He said again, letting Hakyeon cry.

* * *

  
Jaehwan was doing better.

His members checked his leg every night before going to bed. They made sure he ate three meals a day, and pestered him to stay hydrated. Whenever he started feeling off. Jaehwan would seek out whoever was closest to him at the time.

Hakyeon would distract him with cooking or taking him on walks or telling him stories from various drama sets. Sanhyuk and Hongbin divert Jaehwan’s bed thoughts by watching bad movies or playing pranks on the other members. Taekwoon and Wonshik would take Jaehwan out and help him reflect on his feelings. Thanks to them, Jaehwan started writing his own solo album.

They were just finishing up their newest comeback, months and months of hard work finally paying off. With their busy schedules, Jaehwan barely had anytime to spiral into his thoughts. Whenever he would start to feel bad, he would put all his effort into perfecting choreography and hitting one note higher than before. He realized he really was feeling better. His smiles were more genuine and he found his chest didn’t hurt as much when he laughed. It didn’t fill him with dread to wake up in the morning, and he could eat without wanting to throw up.

Jaehwan really was getting better.

Until the comeback ended.

When they sang their last song at their last concert on the tour, when they boarded the flight to come home after so many months in other countries. When they entered the dorm and unpacked their bags and went to sleep without setting an alarm for the first time in months. That’s when the thoughts came back tenfold. That’s when his confidence began to fade and the voices began whispering again and the itches came back. That’s when he had to learn to sob quietly into his pillow and hide the marks on his arms and legs once more.

No one thought anything of it. Why would they? Jaehwan was better. He was smiling. He hadn’t cut in almost a year. He trusted his members with his depression. Why would he lie to them after everything they had gone through?

‘Just do it,’ the whisper in the back of his mind whispered, two weeks after returning to the dorms. Two weeks he endured the voice, the whispers of how he isn’t good enough and how everyone would be better off without him. Two weeks of taking every little thing to heart and sobbing over them at night. When Sanhyuk cancelled plans, it was Jaehwan’s fault for not being good enough. When Hakyeon accidentally cut his finger making dinner because Jaehwan dropped a pot lid, it was the younger idol’s fault for hurting everyone around him. ‘Just end it. You remember where you stashed it, don’t you? No one should have found it. It’ll only hurt for a second, then you’ll be free.’

“No… I can’t do that.” Jaehwan said out loud, his voice weak against the whispers in his head.  
‘It would be over so quickly, as if you never existed in the first place. You can finally rest. You can be free.’

“But…” Jaehwan sobbed violently, feeling as though his ribs would break under the sudden movement.

‘Don’t you want to rest? Aren’t you tired Jaehwannie?’

“Yes…” He sobbed again, not covering his mouth. “I’m so tired…”

‘Then do it.’

Jaehwan stood and rushed over to his wardrobe. He frantically dug through the clothes he hadn’t touched in months, his tears making it impossible to see anything. Finally, his trembling fingers came in contact with something solid and his heart skipped a beat.

He slowly pulled out the gun, his whole body washed in a sudden calm. He stared at the weapon, eyes tracing the last thing he was ever going to see. There was a knock from his door, but he couldn’t hear it through the roaring in his ears. He lifted the barrel of the gun and placed it against his temple, shuddering as the cold metal met his overly warm skin.

“JAEHWAN!” Time seemed to slow. “OH GOD NO!”

Jaehwan pulled the trigger, tensing for the moment of pain.

But it never came.

He was thrown to the ground. Whoever was on top of him pinned his arms to his side. The gun was thrown across the room as he struggled to escape. More hands were on him as he sobbed and fought even harder. Someone was touching his face, trying to get Jaehwan to look at them but he trashed and tried to escape. He lashed out, hoping to hit something and make them stop – make them leave him alone. Make them hate him as much as he hated himself.

“Jaehwan, you have to breathe or you’re going to pass out,” A warm voice cut through his sobs. He stopped struggling as hard as the voice continued. “You’re safe. You’re going to be okay Jaehwannie. Can you breathe with hyung? Listen to my voice, okay?”

Hakyeon kept talking to the hysterical boy, hoping his voice would bring some sort of comfort. He carded his long fingers through Jaehwan’s hair, catching on knots and gently working them out. Jaehwan seemed to relax under his ministrations and Hakyeon took it as a good sign.

“Hyung?” Sanhyuk said quietly once Jaehwan had fallen asleep in Hakyeon’s lap. The leader looked to the youngest with tired eyes. His heart stopped when he saw the gun in Hyuk’s hands. It took him a second to realize why the weapon seemed so familiar.

“Is that…?” He asked, remembering the props from a stage long ago. Hyuk smiled faintly as he nodded.

“It’s a fake,” he whispered, the corners of his mouth turning up more. “It wasn’t real.”

“I swapped it,” Wonshik said, his normally smooth voice rough and painful to hear. “Before we left to go on tour… I was digging around in his closet looking for a shirt I lent him and I found the real one. I didn’t know what to do. I swapped it with the prop and hid the real one. I didn’t think he would ever…” He broke, silent tears staining his face.

“Thank you Wonshikkie,” Hakyeon smiled faintly. “You saved Jaehwan’s life. Hyukkie, can you carry Jaehwan to my bed? I don’t want him alone tonight. I… have to make a phone call.”

Hyuk nodded and lifted the vocalist as if he weight nothing and easily carried him from the room. Hakyeon sat on the floor for a moment longer before pulling out his phone and calling his first contact.

“Ah, Hakyeon! I didn’t think I’d hear from you so late at night.” Their manager laughed, but Hakyeon didn’t.

“Jaehwan tried to kill himself.” He said, the words sounding faint to his ears. Their manager stopped laughing instantly.

“What?” He asked, sounding like he purposely didn’t understand.

“Jaehwan… he tried to kill himself. Just now. He’s sleeping now but…” Hakyeon sobbed, his head spinning with the possibilities of what could have happened. “Oh god… what if we lost him?”

“Hey, listen to me. It’s going to be okay. We’ll get Jaehwan help and he’ll recover. We aren’t going to lose him.”

“Please help him…” Hakyeon begged, never feeling so helpless.

* * *

  
“How was it?” Taekwoon asked as he walked Jaehwan from the building to the car with tinted windshields that was waiting for them in the underground garage.

“Same as usual,” Jaehwan stuffed his hands in his pockets. “They changed my antidepressant dosage. They said if there are any side effects to tell someone as soon as possible.”

“Do you think they’re helping?” Taekwoon would never say it out loud, but he was still afraid. Jaehwan was taken to the hospital that night, and stayed in the psychiatric ward for several weeks. While he was there, they put him on various medications and observed how they affected him. When he was finally released, he was given a prescription for an antidepressant and several pre-made appointments for a therapist recommended by the hospital. After the first three meetings, Jaehwan didn’t want to go back so they had to find him a new therapist. This new one had a practice specifically for celebrities, with a discrete underground parking garage to avoid the public eye and a deep understanding of how the idol industry worked.

“I think so,” Jaehwan climbed into the passenger seat as Taekwoon took the seat behind the wheel. “It’s easier to wake up now, but it’s kinda hard to get excited about anything. I feel like I’m stuck in some numb middle grounds.”

“We can talk to your doctor about getting a different prescription. That’s a side effect they warned us about.”

“Maybe in a little bit. I want to see how this new dosage works. If I still feel numb then we should…” He trailed off, looking out the window. He had lost some weight – another side effect of the medication.

“I’m really proud of you.” Taekwoon said suddenly, breaking the silence. Jaehwan perked up a little and looked at him.

“Thank you hyung,” He gave the older idol a tired – but genuine – smile. “It’s because of you guys. I wouldn’t have made it on my own…”

“We just gave you a little nudge. You did the rest on your own. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are.”

“Thank you.” Jaehwan’s smile turned from tired to dreamy as they drove home in a comfortable silence.

**Author's Note:**

> So I know I'm in the middle of my other fic, but I just needed to vent write for a little bit. I know this is depressing and probably shitty, but it really helped to get this out. I love Jaehwan more than I love myself which is why I subjected him to this because I can't have nice things.  
> I know my hurt/comfort fics have helped people in the past, so if you have any suggestions for a oneshot, let me know. I'm always open to writing prompts, and if I can help someone by writing something, I'm more than happy to do so.  
> I might end up making this into a series of hurt/comfort oneshots if I end up writing enough of them.


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